EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY
Emotionally Focused Therapy (E.F.T.) was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, a scientist, clinical psychologist, and marriage therapist in Ottawa, as well as director of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is also affiliated with Alliant University in San Diego.
E.F.T. is an exploration of what each partner in a couple does in the context of the other, i.e., what one does, how the other responds, and the underlying feelings that go with the “dance” that is created. The goal of E.F.T. is to help distressed couples get “unstuck” from the negative patterns in the “dance” and to create a positive connection. Ultimately, E.F.T. helps a couple to build what Dr. Johnson describes as a “safe, secure bond” with each other.
The E.F.T. model is collaborative and non-blaming in its process. The couple, along with the therapist, begin the process by identifying the negative interactions that get stuck in repeating patterns, as well as naming the feelings that occur during these interactions.
If you decide to initiate couples therapy, in the beginning stage of work we will look carefully at how each of you:
1. gets triggered into the negative patterns
2. the feelings that result
3. what you tell yourself in that moment about yourself and about your partner, and finally
4. what you do.
Often, as partners engage back and forth, the situation escalates until there is a full-blown argument . . . or . . . perhaps a shut-down where no words are shared for hours, or days, or longer. We, too, will unpack how you as a couple come back together again – often with the problem “swept under the rug” – until the trigger recurs at some point in the future – only to play out once again in the same, negative, stuck pattern.
As the negative cycle is understood and conflict is lowered, partners become more willing to risk with each other. As emotions are deepened, understood and shared, partners who were once withdrawn begin to re-engage and blaming partners begin to soften – all toward creating positive connections with each other.
You may be wondering how long all of this will take. On average, marital therapy takes 15 to 20 sessions, although the negative cycle can begin to “de-escalate” within the first 6. Research of the E.F.T. model has shown that 73% of couples can experience not only significant improvement in their relationship, but achieve what Dr. Johnson describes as the cornerstone of a safe, secure relationship, that is, you will see your partner as:
*Accessible: meaning “I can access your attention, presence and support when I need it.”
*Responsive: meaning “I can count on you to respond to my cues and needs”, and
*Engaged: meaning “you will keep me close and cherish me as someone who holds a unique place in your life”.
(*Definitions from: An Emotionally Focussed Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us” by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald). (Please see the resources at the end of this section for more information.)
If the aforementioned description of E.F.T. has piqued your interest, there are a number of resources that can help you learn more:
E.F.T. is an exploration of what each partner in a couple does in the context of the other, i.e., what one does, how the other responds, and the underlying feelings that go with the “dance” that is created. The goal of E.F.T. is to help distressed couples get “unstuck” from the negative patterns in the “dance” and to create a positive connection. Ultimately, E.F.T. helps a couple to build what Dr. Johnson describes as a “safe, secure bond” with each other.
The E.F.T. model is collaborative and non-blaming in its process. The couple, along with the therapist, begin the process by identifying the negative interactions that get stuck in repeating patterns, as well as naming the feelings that occur during these interactions.
If you decide to initiate couples therapy, in the beginning stage of work we will look carefully at how each of you:
1. gets triggered into the negative patterns
2. the feelings that result
3. what you tell yourself in that moment about yourself and about your partner, and finally
4. what you do.
Often, as partners engage back and forth, the situation escalates until there is a full-blown argument . . . or . . . perhaps a shut-down where no words are shared for hours, or days, or longer. We, too, will unpack how you as a couple come back together again – often with the problem “swept under the rug” – until the trigger recurs at some point in the future – only to play out once again in the same, negative, stuck pattern.
As the negative cycle is understood and conflict is lowered, partners become more willing to risk with each other. As emotions are deepened, understood and shared, partners who were once withdrawn begin to re-engage and blaming partners begin to soften – all toward creating positive connections with each other.
You may be wondering how long all of this will take. On average, marital therapy takes 15 to 20 sessions, although the negative cycle can begin to “de-escalate” within the first 6. Research of the E.F.T. model has shown that 73% of couples can experience not only significant improvement in their relationship, but achieve what Dr. Johnson describes as the cornerstone of a safe, secure relationship, that is, you will see your partner as:
*Accessible: meaning “I can access your attention, presence and support when I need it.”
*Responsive: meaning “I can count on you to respond to my cues and needs”, and
*Engaged: meaning “you will keep me close and cherish me as someone who holds a unique place in your life”.
(*Definitions from: An Emotionally Focussed Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us” by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald). (Please see the resources at the end of this section for more information.)
If the aforementioned description of E.F.T. has piqued your interest, there are a number of resources that can help you learn more:
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Hold Me Tight – author: Dr. Sue Johnson: written for couples and published in 2008. This book as been on the Wall Street Journal best seller list, is translated into 20 different languages and provides a great parallel to the work done in therapy. There are exercises in the book to help you effectively talk together outside the therapy sessions.
http://www.amazon.ca/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/ (This book is also available at local bookstores, especially McNally Robinson Book Store. You can also check the ICEEFT website for electronic versions of this book.) An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us – authors Veronica Kallos-Lilly & Jennifer Fitzgerald: also written for couples and is filled with explanations and exercises for couples to do together. This workbook will provide an excellent vehicle through which you can thoroughly explore your relationship together.
http://www.amazon.ca/Emotionally-Focused-Workbook-Couples-Two/ Love Sense – author: Dr. Sue Johnson: written for anyone looking to achieve a greater understanding of adult love relationships. For more information, you may wish to read the book review in The Family Psychologist, Fall 2014, written by Lorrie Brubacher , M.Ed., LMFT and Daniel Perlman, Ph.D.
http://www.amazon.ca/Love-Sense-Revolutionary-Romantic-Relationships/ |
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International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) website: ICEEFT.com. This organization is located in Ottawa (Canada) and provides access to the information, research and resources for all things E.F.T., including a Therapist Directory.
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And finally . . . here is the connection to an article written by Dr. Sue Johnson that may serve as a helpful conclusion in learning more about E.F.T.
The #1 Way To Build A Stronger Connection With Your Partner -http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16781/the-1-way-to-build-a-stronger-connection-with-your-partner.html
The #1 Way To Build A Stronger Connection With Your Partner -http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16781/the-1-way-to-build-a-stronger-connection-with-your-partner.html